It is now 9 days before surgery.
I am still in a state of detachment. I know that it is coming but I also know that dwelling on it constantly will make it seem as if it's happening for weeks instead of just the time that it will actually happen.
Of course my mind wanders...... Will I be OK? Will I be the same? Will I feel better than before? (that is my hope)
If I can recover in two months, we will be taking a cruise to Alaska. That is my focus point. To be well and strong enough to make that cruise date.
I find myself thinking more in terms of "after I am well" than worrying about the actual procedure.
It is amazing how quickly your life can change.
This weekend was calm and relaxing. This week I will have a rotation of friends and family staying each day. I am thankful for everyones support.
Tony is trying to give me things to look forward to. I know that this is very hard for him.
That actually is the second worst part of this......knowing how all of this is making him feel
So stressed and worried. Of course that first worst part is knowing that I have a time bomb in my head!
Well for today there is sun, a friend on the way for a visit, and plenty to be grateful for.
Love
Debra
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
It Only Took One Night
It only took one night on the Neuro Care floor of HUP to realize that an unruptured brain aneurysm ia not the worst thing, by far, that could happen to a person.
The night was filled with the wails and cries of so many people who have suffered brain damage due to accidents,tumors,injuries,strokes etc. It was exactly what I need to see to bring me one step closer to "Feeling Lucky" vs. Feeling sorry for myself and this interruption in my life.
And then there was my roommate, Emma. Emma is just a few years older than me.......maybe 63 or so. She has had MS for 28 years. She had asked me why I was there and I told her. I also told her that when I started feeling sick last year, I thought that I had MS but instead it is the aneurysm. She said, "you are lucky,it can be fixed." Emma ia using a wheelchair right now because she is having a setback. She was there to try a new treatment that involved a type of chemo therapy. We talked for a hour or so in the middle of the night as no one can really sleep with all the noise. She is grieving the recent lose of her mother and her mobility. We shared some fears and consoled one another. She is a sweet woman and I send out Love and Healing thoughts to her.
I am home now but I am wiped out today. The tests took their toll on my energy and the dye made me feel toxic. I had two bags of Saline with potassium I.V. To flush the dyes from my blood. I still have a headache.
My Neuro Surgeon will call tomorrow to detail his Plan of Action after seeing the test results.
I now have only one thought......Regain my strength and make it to the surgery before this thing ruptures.
My release instructions today were.....No lifting, no driving, no bending over at the waist. Stay calm, keep your Blood Pressure low and relax. I am giving it my all.
Love to All
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Just When You Think You See A Light At The End Of the Tunnel......
The good news for today ........An Angiogram and Balloon Occlusion Test is not painful.
Both tests were done with very little discomfort. Laying flat for 8 hours is a different story. That does take some real meditation and focus. Oh yes..then there were the results of the tests. I have two aneurysms ....not one. The second is on the other side of my head. It is small. That is all I know. The Doctor should be in touch to go over the plan of action.
I am a bit discouraged. This in not a step in the right direction.
Well time for an I.V. To help flush out the dye.
Hoping tomorrow is a better news day.
Both tests were done with very little discomfort. Laying flat for 8 hours is a different story. That does take some real meditation and focus. Oh yes..then there were the results of the tests. I have two aneurysms ....not one. The second is on the other side of my head. It is small. That is all I know. The Doctor should be in touch to go over the plan of action.
I am a bit discouraged. This in not a step in the right direction.
Well time for an I.V. To help flush out the dye.
Hoping tomorrow is a better news day.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Answers
It is Day 15 before surgery.
I will be spending the day tomorrow and possibly the night as well at Penn. It is the day of my Angioplasty and Balloon Occlusion Test.
I will get to Penn about 6am. The test should be over by noon. I will spend the rest of the day on monitors ,lying flat on my back. I can take my IPad. I cannot lift my head but I can lift my arms enough to prop it on my chest and watch a movie or two. And of course, check FB!
So of all goes well and I am not to sick from the procedure, I will stay in touch.
These tests will answer many questions for the Surgeon. It will indicate how entangled the aneurysm is and also if I can live without my carotid artery feeding my brain.
It will give a clear map on where the best entry point will be so that my craniotomy can be precise and as small as can be. He promises to only shave about 1/2 nick of hair along the incision point so that my other hair will cover it.
This is a very scary procedure to me. But when I compare it to what is to come it suddenly seems like a walk in the park.
Tony is having the patio redone. He knows how much I love to spend time there when the weather is warm. It should be done by the end of the month, along with new comfy patio furniture.
Giving me things to look forward to is how he is coping with his own fears.
Having things to look forward to is nice but really doesn't seem to be a motivating factor in how positive or not I am.
I am more in a place of resignation.
I am not sure if that is good or bad.....but I know it seems to be my natural emotional state at this point anyway so I am not fighting it.
For The Greater Good
What Will Be, Will Be
I Surrender All,
To Happen Naturally.
I will be spending the day tomorrow and possibly the night as well at Penn. It is the day of my Angioplasty and Balloon Occlusion Test.
I will get to Penn about 6am. The test should be over by noon. I will spend the rest of the day on monitors ,lying flat on my back. I can take my IPad. I cannot lift my head but I can lift my arms enough to prop it on my chest and watch a movie or two. And of course, check FB!
So of all goes well and I am not to sick from the procedure, I will stay in touch.
These tests will answer many questions for the Surgeon. It will indicate how entangled the aneurysm is and also if I can live without my carotid artery feeding my brain.
It will give a clear map on where the best entry point will be so that my craniotomy can be precise and as small as can be. He promises to only shave about 1/2 nick of hair along the incision point so that my other hair will cover it.
This is a very scary procedure to me. But when I compare it to what is to come it suddenly seems like a walk in the park.
Tony is having the patio redone. He knows how much I love to spend time there when the weather is warm. It should be done by the end of the month, along with new comfy patio furniture.
Giving me things to look forward to is how he is coping with his own fears.
Having things to look forward to is nice but really doesn't seem to be a motivating factor in how positive or not I am.
I am more in a place of resignation.
I am not sure if that is good or bad.....but I know it seems to be my natural emotional state at this point anyway so I am not fighting it.
For The Greater Good
What Will Be, Will Be
I Surrender All,
To Happen Naturally.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Choosing Hope
I have a very strong intuition that every thing is exactly as it's suppose to be and that regardless of what the outcome is, it will be the right outcome ultimately. May sound a bit srange to some. Even with no guarantee I am feeling that this is a necessary step in my evolution.
With my focus now on my inner world I find that
My intuitions are become stronger each day. As are my daughter Stephanie's, and now my Grandsons. Cursed and blessed we all are.
I read an online article today. It explained how in certain x-rays of the chest taken immediately after an EKG test, there may be trace amounts of glue containing Metals that adhere to the skin and cast the appearance of a poorly defined density nodule on the x ray itself. I had an EKG and immediately had a chest X-ray within minutes of having very sticky
Leads removed. So my question now it, could the poorly visible lung abnormality, only
present of the frontal view,Be a result of some left over glue from the EKG lead?
I switched Primary Care Practices today.
All of the tests results that the old PCP had to report to Penn are complete and reported. I made sure of the before I switched.
I do not trust my care to the old practice. They were non supportive, and not in the least bit helpful in guiding me through this process. In fact, one young woman who relayed the MRI results to me by phone simply stated, You need to contact a Neuro Surgeon. When I asked for a referral name , she said .....Use Google!.
All of the process of selecting a surgeon and all of the phone calls concerning an appointment and getting copies if my test results fell onto my hands.
Today the final tests results where sent to Penn and I could wash my hands of the incompetent practice!
The new Internist will see me for a full " get to know you and about you visit" the Monday before surgery. She will then be my local go to person. She came with great recommendations and I feel very good about her already.
My BP has been staying in a pretty good place. Usually about 120/76. I know that the surgeon would like to see it even a bit lower, but with all I am dealing with, I think that is a pretty stellar number.
The nerve impulses and weird symptoms are increasing a bit. I think that is probably because I have more time spent quietly therefore notice it more.
I guess what is most bothersome to me is the possibility of not being the same person after surgery. I rally have a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Now if there are changes and they are positive....such as , I could be happier,less tense, more implusive, laughed more , enjoyed more silly things......and I was not as serious minded as I have been for my first 58 years....we'll I would really be OK with changes like that!
If I wake up, look at my IPad and say " What is that?" ......well that would be a bad thing.
Tony has a fear that I may not remember who he is. I suggested he start the video series of who he is right away just like in the movie , First 50 Dates....because I can't make him any promises!
Recovering in 2-3 months is OK with me. But if I am in the 1-2 year group.....well that does not fit into my timeline.
Oh well...? I choose Hope. I choose spending the next 30 years enjoying more and working less. I choose laughing everyday. I choose learning to live in a house that may not be immaculately clean every day. I will give up my obsessive need to control........Hell I already have.
With my focus now on my inner world I find that
My intuitions are become stronger each day. As are my daughter Stephanie's, and now my Grandsons. Cursed and blessed we all are.
I read an online article today. It explained how in certain x-rays of the chest taken immediately after an EKG test, there may be trace amounts of glue containing Metals that adhere to the skin and cast the appearance of a poorly defined density nodule on the x ray itself. I had an EKG and immediately had a chest X-ray within minutes of having very sticky
Leads removed. So my question now it, could the poorly visible lung abnormality, only
present of the frontal view,Be a result of some left over glue from the EKG lead?
I switched Primary Care Practices today.
All of the tests results that the old PCP had to report to Penn are complete and reported. I made sure of the before I switched.
I do not trust my care to the old practice. They were non supportive, and not in the least bit helpful in guiding me through this process. In fact, one young woman who relayed the MRI results to me by phone simply stated, You need to contact a Neuro Surgeon. When I asked for a referral name , she said .....Use Google!.
All of the process of selecting a surgeon and all of the phone calls concerning an appointment and getting copies if my test results fell onto my hands.
Today the final tests results where sent to Penn and I could wash my hands of the incompetent practice!
The new Internist will see me for a full " get to know you and about you visit" the Monday before surgery. She will then be my local go to person. She came with great recommendations and I feel very good about her already.
My BP has been staying in a pretty good place. Usually about 120/76. I know that the surgeon would like to see it even a bit lower, but with all I am dealing with, I think that is a pretty stellar number.
The nerve impulses and weird symptoms are increasing a bit. I think that is probably because I have more time spent quietly therefore notice it more.
I guess what is most bothersome to me is the possibility of not being the same person after surgery. I rally have a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Now if there are changes and they are positive....such as , I could be happier,less tense, more implusive, laughed more , enjoyed more silly things......and I was not as serious minded as I have been for my first 58 years....we'll I would really be OK with changes like that!
If I wake up, look at my IPad and say " What is that?" ......well that would be a bad thing.
Tony has a fear that I may not remember who he is. I suggested he start the video series of who he is right away just like in the movie , First 50 Dates....because I can't make him any promises!
Recovering in 2-3 months is OK with me. But if I am in the 1-2 year group.....well that does not fit into my timeline.
Oh well...? I choose Hope. I choose spending the next 30 years enjoying more and working less. I choose laughing everyday. I choose learning to live in a house that may not be immaculately clean every day. I will give up my obsessive need to control........Hell I already have.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Premonitions......
Tony and I spent most of yesterday sharing our fears and feelings. Sometimes very comforting, sometimes hard to do, but nevertheless a great step forward in mental preparation.
I am not the only victim of this aneurysm. My family and close friends are too.
Tony asked me how he could Not Possibly worry......my answer to him is to truly believe that worry will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome. We can worry every minute........the outcome is still gonna be the outcome......or we can not focus on the worry......and the outcome is still gonna be the outcome. Not bad philosophy for someone with a bubble in their frontal lobe ! Shows that I can still rationalize which I am sure is a great sign!
If that fails, I offered to share my Ativan with him. He declined!
Anyhow, a very interesting moment did come out of this discussion.
He reminded me that about three months ago I had started to express to him that I was afraid to stay alone while he traveled. All of a sudden those Premonitions came back to my memory.
I started to have them in February 2011. I would see myself alone at night collapsing and lying on the floor. I had a feeling that no one would be there to find me. I even saw my dogs crying for help. At that time I expressed this to Tony. He couldn't understand my new fear and neither could I. We joked about ordering a Life Alert button. But I said to him that this premonition did not give me time to even push a button.
As we talked about this , I am so reminded of a Greater Power and the Energy of this Uni(one) Verse (song) providing me with everything that I need at the proper time to manifest the perfect outcome.......whatever outcome that may be.
Let go of the shore......explore and experience the mystery
With My Love
Deb
I am not the only victim of this aneurysm. My family and close friends are too.
Tony asked me how he could Not Possibly worry......my answer to him is to truly believe that worry will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome. We can worry every minute........the outcome is still gonna be the outcome......or we can not focus on the worry......and the outcome is still gonna be the outcome. Not bad philosophy for someone with a bubble in their frontal lobe ! Shows that I can still rationalize which I am sure is a great sign!
If that fails, I offered to share my Ativan with him. He declined!
Anyhow, a very interesting moment did come out of this discussion.
He reminded me that about three months ago I had started to express to him that I was afraid to stay alone while he traveled. All of a sudden those Premonitions came back to my memory.
I started to have them in February 2011. I would see myself alone at night collapsing and lying on the floor. I had a feeling that no one would be there to find me. I even saw my dogs crying for help. At that time I expressed this to Tony. He couldn't understand my new fear and neither could I. We joked about ordering a Life Alert button. But I said to him that this premonition did not give me time to even push a button.
As we talked about this , I am so reminded of a Greater Power and the Energy of this Uni(one) Verse (song) providing me with everything that I need at the proper time to manifest the perfect outcome.......whatever outcome that may be.
Let go of the shore......explore and experience the mystery
With My Love
Deb
Friday, April 8, 2011
Cardiologist gives the green light
So....after 18 hours of stressing over the EKG that indicated a possible old heart attack, my cardiologist has reviewed everything and determined that the EKG was picking up my Epstein's Anomaly and not a heart attack. So she is Has cleared me for surgery.
The second set of xrays still indicate a nodule ( of unclear visibility ) on my right lung. Drs. Seem to feel that it can wait...... further testing later.......It doesn't pose a problem right this minute.
So tests are over for this week. Thank God! Seems as if all tests had something to stress me out. The over 50 saga is what they call it. If you live a half of a century and you have to have things looked at too closely, they will always manage to find something.
So.....Ativan and I are hanging in there.
Tony has been with me constantly. He needs to take some Ativan too. He is very stressed.
Joined a support group online.
The Brain Aneurysm Foundation Support Community
It has been great. I asked a few questions and got immediate replies. A whole community of people having gone through the process or starting the process like me.
So here I am.........
First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.
- Epictetus
Love to All
The second set of xrays still indicate a nodule ( of unclear visibility ) on my right lung. Drs. Seem to feel that it can wait...... further testing later.......It doesn't pose a problem right this minute.
So tests are over for this week. Thank God! Seems as if all tests had something to stress me out. The over 50 saga is what they call it. If you live a half of a century and you have to have things looked at too closely, they will always manage to find something.
So.....Ativan and I are hanging in there.
Tony has been with me constantly. He needs to take some Ativan too. He is very stressed.
Joined a support group online.
The Brain Aneurysm Foundation Support Community
It has been great. I asked a few questions and got immediate replies. A whole community of people having gone through the process or starting the process like me.
So here I am.........
First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.
- Epictetus
Love to All
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