O.K. Pre Surgery tests. I am a pin cushion. My chest xray picked up a shadow on my right lung that may be a nodule so they had to be done over. Two trips for xrays today. The second report not back yet.
EKG showed a previous heart attack. Not believing that. I am asking for a re do at my cardiologist instead of with the Primary Care Group. Their equipment is so old and the tech not specialized. I had a great EKG in December 2010. If I had a heart attack since then I slept through it.
That the problem with all these tests after 50. There are things to find that I may not want to know about. Ignorance is Bliss is some instances.
I an on anti anxiety meds....I love them..... They are allowing me to stop crying and start on a retraining of Positive thought.
I will not give in to this....but I also will not buy any new Spring clothes until I survive this. By then it will be Summer anyway.
So what is my Plan.......still unsure. I am still at the mercy of natural emotional reaction. I have never allowed myself to stay in the state long but for some reason (Call it intuition) I feel as if I need my emotions to lead me out of this instead of me taking charge and demanding control like I normally would.
You are born alone, and you die alone but the big span in the middle is meant to be shared with others. I am still in that big span in the middle. My Journey....This time around. <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A Bumb in the Road
Yes, I admit.....I have been feeling over-stressed, over worked and some days generally unwell....But the MRA/MRI report told a story that I wouldn't have ever guessed in my wildest imagination.
I have a Frontal Lobe brain aneurysm on my carotid artery, behind my left eye about the size of a very large grape. 12mm x18mm. In the world of brain aneurysms that is considered LARGE!
Now the reason for the MRI in the first place was to put my mind at ease and rule out things like MS and tumors since my symptoms were so scattered and weird. But knock me over with a feather......I instead have an aneurysm. Up until this happened I didn't even know how to spell the word aneurysm without spell check. Now it is engrained into my vocabulary as a word that I can spell.
So according to my very handsome and friendly Neuro Surgeon, Dr. Peter Le Roux of Penn Medicine, my statistics for survival of the next 10 years are much better with surgery than without.
This is most likely a congenital defect that I have had since birth. It has been growing for a long time and needed to reach a certain size before it produced symptoms alarming enough for me to request testing.
In fact, Dr. Le Roux seems to feel that having discovered this before it ruptured is in fact a blessing. Statistically only 50% of people with ruptures survive and of those who do, recovery is a very long road with usually some impairments.
So my job..... Stay calm ( with the help of meds! )keep my blood pressure down, and make to the surgery date with an unruptured aneurysm. If I can do that , then he can do the rest. Sounds simple enough?
Well I have not mastered my part of that bargain yet. I am not calm.....I am not in control of my Blood Pressure, and I am Fucking Terrified!
But I will spend the next 20 days doing my best to give him a stable patient.
i have always been a little psychic. Just psychic enough to see the big picture at times when other could not, and just psychic enough to have a vision of a plane crash before it happens. Or in the case of last month, seeing a vision of airplanes with tears in their cabins. But I have never been psychic enough to have enough info to use what I see or enough info for this gift/curse to be of any value.
For the most part, thee visions have only managed to cause pain and despair for me. So hopefully this syrgery will either take away this ability altogether or allow me to see all I need to be purposeful.
Tony's request is that the surgeon stimulate the lobe that increases my sex drive! LOL! The surgeon said he could do that but it would cost extra!
Anyhow, I can only de-stress in one way know.....Blogging. My gym membership has been suspended for 90 days ( That is an optimistic timeline) and screaming and crying with wall punching will put me in harms way. So Blogging it is!
I have a Frontal Lobe brain aneurysm on my carotid artery, behind my left eye about the size of a very large grape. 12mm x18mm. In the world of brain aneurysms that is considered LARGE!
Now the reason for the MRI in the first place was to put my mind at ease and rule out things like MS and tumors since my symptoms were so scattered and weird. But knock me over with a feather......I instead have an aneurysm. Up until this happened I didn't even know how to spell the word aneurysm without spell check. Now it is engrained into my vocabulary as a word that I can spell.
So according to my very handsome and friendly Neuro Surgeon, Dr. Peter Le Roux of Penn Medicine, my statistics for survival of the next 10 years are much better with surgery than without.
This is most likely a congenital defect that I have had since birth. It has been growing for a long time and needed to reach a certain size before it produced symptoms alarming enough for me to request testing.
In fact, Dr. Le Roux seems to feel that having discovered this before it ruptured is in fact a blessing. Statistically only 50% of people with ruptures survive and of those who do, recovery is a very long road with usually some impairments.
So my job..... Stay calm ( with the help of meds! )keep my blood pressure down, and make to the surgery date with an unruptured aneurysm. If I can do that , then he can do the rest. Sounds simple enough?
Well I have not mastered my part of that bargain yet. I am not calm.....I am not in control of my Blood Pressure, and I am Fucking Terrified!
But I will spend the next 20 days doing my best to give him a stable patient.
i have always been a little psychic. Just psychic enough to see the big picture at times when other could not, and just psychic enough to have a vision of a plane crash before it happens. Or in the case of last month, seeing a vision of airplanes with tears in their cabins. But I have never been psychic enough to have enough info to use what I see or enough info for this gift/curse to be of any value.
For the most part, thee visions have only managed to cause pain and despair for me. So hopefully this syrgery will either take away this ability altogether or allow me to see all I need to be purposeful.
Tony's request is that the surgeon stimulate the lobe that increases my sex drive! LOL! The surgeon said he could do that but it would cost extra!
Anyhow, I can only de-stress in one way know.....Blogging. My gym membership has been suspended for 90 days ( That is an optimistic timeline) and screaming and crying with wall punching will put me in harms way. So Blogging it is!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It's Been Awhile
"And above all things, never think that you're not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you at your own reckoning." Isaac Asimov
It has been quite awhile since I posted my last blog. 2010 has been a busier year than I ever expected it to be.
First of all, my intention for this year was to work less and play more. Well.....I have been playing a bit more but I have been working alot more!
My employer requested that I write a business development program for up and coming people in our industry. At first I did not even entertain the request as it was in total opposition to my plan. But after having the request presented to me a few times and in talking it over with myself and others, I decided to accept the task and develop the program. I am happy to say that I am well on the way to completion of said program as it has been eating up every spare hour and has created a bout of chronic TMJ!
When I started the project I not only questioned the time factor I also feared that I was not really capable of the task. This has proven to be untrue and now I see that I am and was very capable of this project. So the question residing in my mind now is why....Why do I still sell myself short? Why do I still have times of doubt? Why...after 22 years of playing the game at the top and setting new levels for others coming up behind me to achieve, do I sometimes still feel like a 12 year old?
Human nature , I suppose.
Well now that I am into this and seeing a light at the end my only concern is , When will the TMJ finally go away?
It has been quite awhile since I posted my last blog. 2010 has been a busier year than I ever expected it to be.
First of all, my intention for this year was to work less and play more. Well.....I have been playing a bit more but I have been working alot more!
My employer requested that I write a business development program for up and coming people in our industry. At first I did not even entertain the request as it was in total opposition to my plan. But after having the request presented to me a few times and in talking it over with myself and others, I decided to accept the task and develop the program. I am happy to say that I am well on the way to completion of said program as it has been eating up every spare hour and has created a bout of chronic TMJ!
When I started the project I not only questioned the time factor I also feared that I was not really capable of the task. This has proven to be untrue and now I see that I am and was very capable of this project. So the question residing in my mind now is why....Why do I still sell myself short? Why do I still have times of doubt? Why...after 22 years of playing the game at the top and setting new levels for others coming up behind me to achieve, do I sometimes still feel like a 12 year old?
Human nature , I suppose.
Well now that I am into this and seeing a light at the end my only concern is , When will the TMJ finally go away?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Face To Face
It all started about 12 years ago.
It was insidious at first. A few instances of m asking a question out loud when no one else was present and then having the answer come out of my mouth as well.
My Mom was still alive at that time and she would chuckle when I mentioned this occurrence and say, “Your talking to yourself…and you’re answering yourself. We all do it as we get older. As time passes you will talk more to yourself than to any other person.”
Oh well. This has turned out to be true! It has been day after day of me muttering to me all day long.
When my daughters observe and comment, I simply say, “I Love talking to myself and value my own opinion”.LOL
But now…..this other person has been getting spirited. Debates are more likely than not. Indecision instead of validation. And then this past month…..Well I know exactly what I/She has been up to.
I/She has been taking things…my things, my husband’s things, all kind of things, and I/She has been hiding them somewhere. I/She has been unable to locate so many things at this point that my hubby thinks that there is a real possibility of a Black Hole existing in our house somewhere!
So today I confronted Her/Me. “We have to learn to communicate “ I say. She/Me turned a deaf ear to I/She. No response. Sure…..after hiding all my stuff She/Me decides to shut up.
Menopause….It’s a Wonderful Time of Life!
It was insidious at first. A few instances of m asking a question out loud when no one else was present and then having the answer come out of my mouth as well.
My Mom was still alive at that time and she would chuckle when I mentioned this occurrence and say, “Your talking to yourself…and you’re answering yourself. We all do it as we get older. As time passes you will talk more to yourself than to any other person.”
Oh well. This has turned out to be true! It has been day after day of me muttering to me all day long.
When my daughters observe and comment, I simply say, “I Love talking to myself and value my own opinion”.LOL
But now…..this other person has been getting spirited. Debates are more likely than not. Indecision instead of validation. And then this past month…..Well I know exactly what I/She has been up to.
I/She has been taking things…my things, my husband’s things, all kind of things, and I/She has been hiding them somewhere. I/She has been unable to locate so many things at this point that my hubby thinks that there is a real possibility of a Black Hole existing in our house somewhere!
So today I confronted Her/Me. “We have to learn to communicate “ I say. She/Me turned a deaf ear to I/She. No response. Sure…..after hiding all my stuff She/Me decides to shut up.
Menopause….It’s a Wonderful Time of Life!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A Matter of Choice
2010…..The year to simplify my life.
I have always seemed to “Live for Other People”.
I have lived for my parents’ approval.
I have lived for my spouses’ approval.
I have lived for the approval of my employers and the approval of community.
I have lived to the expectations that I have mandated through my living for others.
Who, I ask myself, lives for me?
Really can’t think of anyone…. The fact of my conscientious personality has been a bit of a load to bear and a prison of sorts. For at times my aspirations and dreams, my wants and desires have been set aside to accommodate others. Some of this comes with motherhood, some with conditioning from childhood, some from self-imposed rules and expectations. I blame no one. This is a matter of self-realization, not blame. This is my doing….my choices. And as such, it is also my choice to decide otherwise. I can decide that my life is to be lived for me. I don’t need a reason to live it. It is my gift and it is mine to enjoy. Simple…exact….to the point. If I live it fully ,I can share it fully. It is that simple What a sense of relief.
I have always seemed to “Live for Other People”.
I have lived for my parents’ approval.
I have lived for my spouses’ approval.
I have lived for the approval of my employers and the approval of community.
I have lived to the expectations that I have mandated through my living for others.
Who, I ask myself, lives for me?
Really can’t think of anyone…. The fact of my conscientious personality has been a bit of a load to bear and a prison of sorts. For at times my aspirations and dreams, my wants and desires have been set aside to accommodate others. Some of this comes with motherhood, some with conditioning from childhood, some from self-imposed rules and expectations. I blame no one. This is a matter of self-realization, not blame. This is my doing….my choices. And as such, it is also my choice to decide otherwise. I can decide that my life is to be lived for me. I don’t need a reason to live it. It is my gift and it is mine to enjoy. Simple…exact….to the point. If I live it fully ,I can share it fully. It is that simple What a sense of relief.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Invitation
Spirit
Make Your Presence Known &
Lead Me to A Place
Where I Can Feel Your Grace
Filling Up My Soul.
Guide Me With Your Love &
Allow Me To Receive
Your Light Into My Life
& Share Your Love with All
By What I Say and Do
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Vision
Vision
It is time for me to redefine my vision.
The deciding factor on that is the extreme feeling of complacency that has been filling me for the past year or two. I have not had a clear vision in awhile. I have been busy fulfilling the vision that I set into motion about 21 years ago. That was a turning point in my life and my vision was strong and clear. I have arrived quite nicely on the plateau of that vision and have been reaping its rewards.
The challenge seems to be that I really don’t know what my new vision is. I seem to know a lot more about what I don’t want than what I really do want. I am very clear on one thing….Focusing on what I don’t want is never the way to a clearer vision.
I also know that no one can create a vision for me
There is a tugging in my soul and a voice somewhere in the back of my consciousness that is urging me to get up and off of this comfortable plateau and start bringing a newness of something into my life. In my profession a sabbatical is death of a career so that is out of the question. Yet I know that I need to have more meditation or me time to pull this new vision together.
As I sit here on this warm and comfortable plateau of one vision completed, I send out My Intention……..to uncover my next vision and put it all in motion.
There….Step 1 complete. I feel better already.
It is time for me to redefine my vision.
The deciding factor on that is the extreme feeling of complacency that has been filling me for the past year or two. I have not had a clear vision in awhile. I have been busy fulfilling the vision that I set into motion about 21 years ago. That was a turning point in my life and my vision was strong and clear. I have arrived quite nicely on the plateau of that vision and have been reaping its rewards.
The challenge seems to be that I really don’t know what my new vision is. I seem to know a lot more about what I don’t want than what I really do want. I am very clear on one thing….Focusing on what I don’t want is never the way to a clearer vision.
I also know that no one can create a vision for me
There is a tugging in my soul and a voice somewhere in the back of my consciousness that is urging me to get up and off of this comfortable plateau and start bringing a newness of something into my life. In my profession a sabbatical is death of a career so that is out of the question. Yet I know that I need to have more meditation or me time to pull this new vision together.
As I sit here on this warm and comfortable plateau of one vision completed, I send out My Intention……..to uncover my next vision and put it all in motion.
There….Step 1 complete. I feel better already.
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