"I will give you comfort with my CORE ENERGY...feel this in my heart to you and see yourself as in well being as you will be fine as you are right Now and God will protect you as so your Soul will be there as it is always there which is here....just keep moving forward as this is in your will to do so...I LOVE YOU...and your Soul always does as well(+)"
I always understand his messages. Even though I usually need to read them very slowly, add my own commas (pauses) and think about it for a second or two. My inner self recognizes the meaning immediately though.
Day before surgery. I am well. The Universe has provided me with everything that I need to walk into this mystery in Faith.
One final day of tests and consultation at Penn. They really seem to take this brain surgery stuff very serious there.
I will not post again until I wake up and can use my IPad. Not sure how quick that will be but my money is on really quick so I am asking Tony to keep it with him.
My family and friends have all been so amazingly supportive and surrounding. You are all part of the reason that I am well. We are all one. Our energy does not know separate
When we rally to assist another in thoughts , acts, and prayers....all for a common cause ....we are the Face of God.
That is what it's all about.
Love
Debra
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Preparing for Recovery
I had my first appointment today with the new PCP that will be my medical ally in the weeks and months after surgery.
This might sound a bit strange but I can tell if the new Doctor is a good match for me by how high or low my blood pressure is at her office.
My last PCP, who I had fired after being so incompetent with my tests,tests results and guidance, is now completely out of the picture. Yeah! My blood pressure in that incompetents office was always high....always. I always felt like my bp was trying to tell me something.
Well anyway today at my first visit with my new PCP my bp was 120/74. Perfect, she said!
Guess my inner being likes her!
She also gave me some much needed reasurance about the chest X-ray. She said she does want to follow up with it over the summer after I feel well enough to have a cat scan, but in her opinion, 90% of these types of shadows are nothing.
After spending a good 30-40 minutes with me, I left her office to find an over full waiting room. Apparently she spent some extra time with me and put herself behind schedule. I was grateful for her time, questions, assurances and concern.
I do think that I may have found a great Match!
This might sound a bit strange but I can tell if the new Doctor is a good match for me by how high or low my blood pressure is at her office.
My last PCP, who I had fired after being so incompetent with my tests,tests results and guidance, is now completely out of the picture. Yeah! My blood pressure in that incompetents office was always high....always. I always felt like my bp was trying to tell me something.
Well anyway today at my first visit with my new PCP my bp was 120/74. Perfect, she said!
Guess my inner being likes her!
She also gave me some much needed reasurance about the chest X-ray. She said she does want to follow up with it over the summer after I feel well enough to have a cat scan, but in her opinion, 90% of these types of shadows are nothing.
After spending a good 30-40 minutes with me, I left her office to find an over full waiting room. Apparently she spent some extra time with me and put herself behind schedule. I was grateful for her time, questions, assurances and concern.
I do think that I may have found a great Match!
Friday, April 22, 2011
One More Day of Testing
I just received the last phone call from Penn Medicine prior to surgery. More blood typing tests are needed for Tuesday. I will also be meeting with the Anesthesiologist. I will need to be at admissions for 5:30 am on Wednesday morning. Surgery will begin about 7:30am.
So Monday is my day. I am having a pedicure and a set of pink and white nails. My friend Nanci is going with me to treat herself as well
The surgeon gave the OK to keep my acrylic nails. He said that there are other ways to check oxygen levels in case the finger sensor couldn't read through it. He didn't seem to think that the question was odd in any way! That's how I know that he is a cool Doctor with a wife that probably loves her pink and white nails too.
I am getting a bit depressed now. I find myself crying every now and then. Mostly for the loss, even if temporary, of my life the way I know it. And of course there is the lingering bit of fear that things may never be the same. That thought does make me very sad. I have a great life. I can only hope that it will be as good or better on the other end of this experience.
So I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and really hate to be that way. I can only experience what I feel, embrace it, and try to understand it.
I know at a deep level that I am safe. I know that I am strong. I know that I have a very competent team of medical expertise around me. I know that I am surrounded by the Love and great energy of many friends and family. But the "Why Me?" question does sneak into my thoughts at my most vulnerable moments. And the only answer that I have for that is Why Not Me?
The sun really hasn't shined in it's true brilliance in many weeks. My intention is to shine with it in a week or two. I can do this.............
Love
Debra
So Monday is my day. I am having a pedicure and a set of pink and white nails. My friend Nanci is going with me to treat herself as well
The surgeon gave the OK to keep my acrylic nails. He said that there are other ways to check oxygen levels in case the finger sensor couldn't read through it. He didn't seem to think that the question was odd in any way! That's how I know that he is a cool Doctor with a wife that probably loves her pink and white nails too.
I am getting a bit depressed now. I find myself crying every now and then. Mostly for the loss, even if temporary, of my life the way I know it. And of course there is the lingering bit of fear that things may never be the same. That thought does make me very sad. I have a great life. I can only hope that it will be as good or better on the other end of this experience.
So I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and really hate to be that way. I can only experience what I feel, embrace it, and try to understand it.
I know at a deep level that I am safe. I know that I am strong. I know that I have a very competent team of medical expertise around me. I know that I am surrounded by the Love and great energy of many friends and family. But the "Why Me?" question does sneak into my thoughts at my most vulnerable moments. And the only answer that I have for that is Why Not Me?
The sun really hasn't shined in it's true brilliance in many weeks. My intention is to shine with it in a week or two. I can do this.............
Love
Debra
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Surgeons Update
My surgeon, Dr. Peter Le Roux, called yesterday. He outlined the Plan of Action for surgery.Not mush has changed from the original plan. The only surprise that he got was the discovery of the second aneurysm on the opposite side (right side). this second aneurysm is on the carotid artery as well....just on the carotid artery in the opposite side of my brain. it is in the same location,situated behind my right eye. This little guy is only 2mm as opposed to the big guy on the left which is 1.5cm.
Dr. Le Roux is proceeding with intracranial surgery to repair the big guy. If that goes well, and I am stable, he will make an attempt to slip a clip onto the little guy. If the little guy is to far away to reach without disturbing additional brain tissue, he will not attempt a repair at that time.
so if the second little guy does not get a repair, i will need to have testing, most likely angiograms every 6 months to track it's growth.
As far as I'm concerned that is another bridge for another day.....
Anyway.....my very patient Brain Surgeon calmly told me that he is confident of a completely successful surgery and a quick recovery. He answered all my questions and then left me with a"Stay well" until I see you next week.
That is my goal also..........Make it to "the Fix".
Love
Debra
Dr. Le Roux is proceeding with intracranial surgery to repair the big guy. If that goes well, and I am stable, he will make an attempt to slip a clip onto the little guy. If the little guy is to far away to reach without disturbing additional brain tissue, he will not attempt a repair at that time.
so if the second little guy does not get a repair, i will need to have testing, most likely angiograms every 6 months to track it's growth.
As far as I'm concerned that is another bridge for another day.....
Anyway.....my very patient Brain Surgeon calmly told me that he is confident of a completely successful surgery and a quick recovery. He answered all my questions and then left me with a"Stay well" until I see you next week.
That is my goal also..........Make it to "the Fix".
Love
Debra
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
No Update Yet
I should be receiving a phone call within a few days from the Neurosurgical Dept. At Penn Medicine. This phone call will be the outline of the final plan for the surgery and if any changes to the original plan were made after the Doctors received my angiogram info from the tests last week.
I will also receive final instructions to prepare for the surgery. Until that call, I really have nothing new to share other than I have been following the advice of my Doctor in regards to staying as relaxed as possible, keeping a close watch on my blood pressure ( I check it 4-5 times a day)and not bending over to the point of putting my head below my heart. Now the not bending over rule is the hardest to follow. I have fought myself at least 30-40 times in the process of bending over....stopping myself just in time.....and stooping to do whatever I feel it is I need to do at that moment. Whether it be feeding the dogs, picking up a piece of lint, or a toy from the floor. I never had such a sense of how many times I bend over in a day until now!
Oh well......as soon as I have news, I will share.
Love
Debra
Laugh
Tuesday evening can only be described by one word. LAUGH!
Stephanie and Ray arrived to join Suzanne and I. Of course my IPad immediately was confiscated by my grandson.
As Suz, Steph, and I were in the kitchen, he was playing on the IPad in the family room.his first request was, "MomMom, how do yo spell jib jab?" I told him how and we ladies went back to our conversation. His second request was "MomMom, what I'd your password?" guess that should of been the first clue. Next was ,MomMom, this only 0 dollars and 99 cents.
OK.....maybe we better take a look at what he is doing. LOL
After Steph and Ray left, Suz and I sat down to a martini ( I am allowed one drink a day and intend to take full advantage of that! ) We then conversed about so many topics that I could never mention them all.....but in the true "Suzanne Style" every topic was hilarious enough to have us both laughing all evening. Laughter is the best medicine.
Another gift from another friend......I haven't laughed in quite awhile.
I am so Blessed!
Oh and by the way.....We discovered that Ray had added 3 new games to his app page on my IPad And they each cost 99 cents! He is way too smart for 4 1/2!
Love
Debra
Stephanie and Ray arrived to join Suzanne and I. Of course my IPad immediately was confiscated by my grandson.
As Suz, Steph, and I were in the kitchen, he was playing on the IPad in the family room.his first request was, "MomMom, how do yo spell jib jab?" I told him how and we ladies went back to our conversation. His second request was "MomMom, what I'd your password?" guess that should of been the first clue. Next was ,MomMom, this only 0 dollars and 99 cents.
OK.....maybe we better take a look at what he is doing. LOL
After Steph and Ray left, Suz and I sat down to a martini ( I am allowed one drink a day and intend to take full advantage of that! ) We then conversed about so many topics that I could never mention them all.....but in the true "Suzanne Style" every topic was hilarious enough to have us both laughing all evening. Laughter is the best medicine.
Another gift from another friend......I haven't laughed in quite awhile.
I am so Blessed!
Oh and by the way.....We discovered that Ray had added 3 new games to his app page on my IPad And they each cost 99 cents! He is way too smart for 4 1/2!
Love
Debra
Overwhelming Love
This week Is unfolding as a week of shared and expressed Love. I have had a friend or family member here with me almost every moment.
Monday was my dear friend Aileen. She arrived with a bag full of organic and homemade vegetarian foods. We spent the day reflecting,reminiscing.,and meditating. We actually even had a late afternoon nap! Needless to say, I was feeling relaxed and very balanced by the end of her visit.
Tuesday, as Aileen was leaving, Another dear friend and co worker arrived. Michelle arrived with Hugs and kisses, and such an overwhelming energy of concern and Love. I was immediately surrounded by her energy of well being. Michelle could only stay a few hours but before she left my Sales Manager and dear friend Suzanne arrived.
She was carrying a bag with tissue paper. She told me that she had a very special gift for me.
Now.....I am not exactly sure if I am releying this information exactly as it was told to me by Michelle and Suzanne, be I will try.
In the bag was beautiful hand made shawl. They told be that it was a Prayer Shawl. It was made by a very sweet young woman and co worker.
Her name is Janet.
Janet made the shawl in colors that she felt reflected me,then cleansed the shawl, then she and her Mother took the shawl to her church where many people touched it and prayed for a successful surgery and my return to health. Janet then took the shawl to work where many of my co workers added their prayer energy to the shawl. It was then wrapped in tissue paper and brought to me.
I can't even begin to express how deeply touched I was by this gesture of Love!
You see......last week I had expressed to Tony that I had a need to buy "something" to cover my shoulders and wear around me in the hospital. We went shopping over the weekend.I searched for the "something" that my inner self was requesting. I really could not find anything that even faintly resembled what I wanted.
I fould it yesterday.........as soon as the Shawl came out of the bag my heart and soul knew it. Now I know that my feelings last week were not that I needed to go and buy something. Those feelings were trying to tell me that the perfect thing was being created for me by the Love of so many people, most of whom I don't even know. Now this to me is a True Miracle.
"I recognize that within each of us is a place where divinity dwells, and when we are in that place, we are one."
That is Namaste.
Love
Debra
Monday was my dear friend Aileen. She arrived with a bag full of organic and homemade vegetarian foods. We spent the day reflecting,reminiscing.,and meditating. We actually even had a late afternoon nap! Needless to say, I was feeling relaxed and very balanced by the end of her visit.
Tuesday, as Aileen was leaving, Another dear friend and co worker arrived. Michelle arrived with Hugs and kisses, and such an overwhelming energy of concern and Love. I was immediately surrounded by her energy of well being. Michelle could only stay a few hours but before she left my Sales Manager and dear friend Suzanne arrived.
She was carrying a bag with tissue paper. She told me that she had a very special gift for me.
Now.....I am not exactly sure if I am releying this information exactly as it was told to me by Michelle and Suzanne, be I will try.
In the bag was beautiful hand made shawl. They told be that it was a Prayer Shawl. It was made by a very sweet young woman and co worker.
Her name is Janet.
Janet made the shawl in colors that she felt reflected me,then cleansed the shawl, then she and her Mother took the shawl to her church where many people touched it and prayed for a successful surgery and my return to health. Janet then took the shawl to work where many of my co workers added their prayer energy to the shawl. It was then wrapped in tissue paper and brought to me.
I can't even begin to express how deeply touched I was by this gesture of Love!
You see......last week I had expressed to Tony that I had a need to buy "something" to cover my shoulders and wear around me in the hospital. We went shopping over the weekend.I searched for the "something" that my inner self was requesting. I really could not find anything that even faintly resembled what I wanted.
I fould it yesterday.........as soon as the Shawl came out of the bag my heart and soul knew it. Now I know that my feelings last week were not that I needed to go and buy something. Those feelings were trying to tell me that the perfect thing was being created for me by the Love of so many people, most of whom I don't even know. Now this to me is a True Miracle.
"I recognize that within each of us is a place where divinity dwells, and when we are in that place, we are one."
That is Namaste.
Love
Debra
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Stillness of the Weekend
It is now 9 days before surgery.
I am still in a state of detachment. I know that it is coming but I also know that dwelling on it constantly will make it seem as if it's happening for weeks instead of just the time that it will actually happen.
Of course my mind wanders...... Will I be OK? Will I be the same? Will I feel better than before? (that is my hope)
If I can recover in two months, we will be taking a cruise to Alaska. That is my focus point. To be well and strong enough to make that cruise date.
I find myself thinking more in terms of "after I am well" than worrying about the actual procedure.
It is amazing how quickly your life can change.
This weekend was calm and relaxing. This week I will have a rotation of friends and family staying each day. I am thankful for everyones support.
Tony is trying to give me things to look forward to. I know that this is very hard for him.
That actually is the second worst part of this......knowing how all of this is making him feel
So stressed and worried. Of course that first worst part is knowing that I have a time bomb in my head!
Well for today there is sun, a friend on the way for a visit, and plenty to be grateful for.
Love
Debra
I am still in a state of detachment. I know that it is coming but I also know that dwelling on it constantly will make it seem as if it's happening for weeks instead of just the time that it will actually happen.
Of course my mind wanders...... Will I be OK? Will I be the same? Will I feel better than before? (that is my hope)
If I can recover in two months, we will be taking a cruise to Alaska. That is my focus point. To be well and strong enough to make that cruise date.
I find myself thinking more in terms of "after I am well" than worrying about the actual procedure.
It is amazing how quickly your life can change.
This weekend was calm and relaxing. This week I will have a rotation of friends and family staying each day. I am thankful for everyones support.
Tony is trying to give me things to look forward to. I know that this is very hard for him.
That actually is the second worst part of this......knowing how all of this is making him feel
So stressed and worried. Of course that first worst part is knowing that I have a time bomb in my head!
Well for today there is sun, a friend on the way for a visit, and plenty to be grateful for.
Love
Debra
Thursday, April 14, 2011
It Only Took One Night
It only took one night on the Neuro Care floor of HUP to realize that an unruptured brain aneurysm ia not the worst thing, by far, that could happen to a person.
The night was filled with the wails and cries of so many people who have suffered brain damage due to accidents,tumors,injuries,strokes etc. It was exactly what I need to see to bring me one step closer to "Feeling Lucky" vs. Feeling sorry for myself and this interruption in my life.
And then there was my roommate, Emma. Emma is just a few years older than me.......maybe 63 or so. She has had MS for 28 years. She had asked me why I was there and I told her. I also told her that when I started feeling sick last year, I thought that I had MS but instead it is the aneurysm. She said, "you are lucky,it can be fixed." Emma ia using a wheelchair right now because she is having a setback. She was there to try a new treatment that involved a type of chemo therapy. We talked for a hour or so in the middle of the night as no one can really sleep with all the noise. She is grieving the recent lose of her mother and her mobility. We shared some fears and consoled one another. She is a sweet woman and I send out Love and Healing thoughts to her.
I am home now but I am wiped out today. The tests took their toll on my energy and the dye made me feel toxic. I had two bags of Saline with potassium I.V. To flush the dyes from my blood. I still have a headache.
My Neuro Surgeon will call tomorrow to detail his Plan of Action after seeing the test results.
I now have only one thought......Regain my strength and make it to the surgery before this thing ruptures.
My release instructions today were.....No lifting, no driving, no bending over at the waist. Stay calm, keep your Blood Pressure low and relax. I am giving it my all.
Love to All
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Just When You Think You See A Light At The End Of the Tunnel......
The good news for today ........An Angiogram and Balloon Occlusion Test is not painful.
Both tests were done with very little discomfort. Laying flat for 8 hours is a different story. That does take some real meditation and focus. Oh yes..then there were the results of the tests. I have two aneurysms ....not one. The second is on the other side of my head. It is small. That is all I know. The Doctor should be in touch to go over the plan of action.
I am a bit discouraged. This in not a step in the right direction.
Well time for an I.V. To help flush out the dye.
Hoping tomorrow is a better news day.
Both tests were done with very little discomfort. Laying flat for 8 hours is a different story. That does take some real meditation and focus. Oh yes..then there were the results of the tests. I have two aneurysms ....not one. The second is on the other side of my head. It is small. That is all I know. The Doctor should be in touch to go over the plan of action.
I am a bit discouraged. This in not a step in the right direction.
Well time for an I.V. To help flush out the dye.
Hoping tomorrow is a better news day.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Answers
It is Day 15 before surgery.
I will be spending the day tomorrow and possibly the night as well at Penn. It is the day of my Angioplasty and Balloon Occlusion Test.
I will get to Penn about 6am. The test should be over by noon. I will spend the rest of the day on monitors ,lying flat on my back. I can take my IPad. I cannot lift my head but I can lift my arms enough to prop it on my chest and watch a movie or two. And of course, check FB!
So of all goes well and I am not to sick from the procedure, I will stay in touch.
These tests will answer many questions for the Surgeon. It will indicate how entangled the aneurysm is and also if I can live without my carotid artery feeding my brain.
It will give a clear map on where the best entry point will be so that my craniotomy can be precise and as small as can be. He promises to only shave about 1/2 nick of hair along the incision point so that my other hair will cover it.
This is a very scary procedure to me. But when I compare it to what is to come it suddenly seems like a walk in the park.
Tony is having the patio redone. He knows how much I love to spend time there when the weather is warm. It should be done by the end of the month, along with new comfy patio furniture.
Giving me things to look forward to is how he is coping with his own fears.
Having things to look forward to is nice but really doesn't seem to be a motivating factor in how positive or not I am.
I am more in a place of resignation.
I am not sure if that is good or bad.....but I know it seems to be my natural emotional state at this point anyway so I am not fighting it.
For The Greater Good
What Will Be, Will Be
I Surrender All,
To Happen Naturally.
I will be spending the day tomorrow and possibly the night as well at Penn. It is the day of my Angioplasty and Balloon Occlusion Test.
I will get to Penn about 6am. The test should be over by noon. I will spend the rest of the day on monitors ,lying flat on my back. I can take my IPad. I cannot lift my head but I can lift my arms enough to prop it on my chest and watch a movie or two. And of course, check FB!
So of all goes well and I am not to sick from the procedure, I will stay in touch.
These tests will answer many questions for the Surgeon. It will indicate how entangled the aneurysm is and also if I can live without my carotid artery feeding my brain.
It will give a clear map on where the best entry point will be so that my craniotomy can be precise and as small as can be. He promises to only shave about 1/2 nick of hair along the incision point so that my other hair will cover it.
This is a very scary procedure to me. But when I compare it to what is to come it suddenly seems like a walk in the park.
Tony is having the patio redone. He knows how much I love to spend time there when the weather is warm. It should be done by the end of the month, along with new comfy patio furniture.
Giving me things to look forward to is how he is coping with his own fears.
Having things to look forward to is nice but really doesn't seem to be a motivating factor in how positive or not I am.
I am more in a place of resignation.
I am not sure if that is good or bad.....but I know it seems to be my natural emotional state at this point anyway so I am not fighting it.
For The Greater Good
What Will Be, Will Be
I Surrender All,
To Happen Naturally.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Choosing Hope
I have a very strong intuition that every thing is exactly as it's suppose to be and that regardless of what the outcome is, it will be the right outcome ultimately. May sound a bit srange to some. Even with no guarantee I am feeling that this is a necessary step in my evolution.
With my focus now on my inner world I find that
My intuitions are become stronger each day. As are my daughter Stephanie's, and now my Grandsons. Cursed and blessed we all are.
I read an online article today. It explained how in certain x-rays of the chest taken immediately after an EKG test, there may be trace amounts of glue containing Metals that adhere to the skin and cast the appearance of a poorly defined density nodule on the x ray itself. I had an EKG and immediately had a chest X-ray within minutes of having very sticky
Leads removed. So my question now it, could the poorly visible lung abnormality, only
present of the frontal view,Be a result of some left over glue from the EKG lead?
I switched Primary Care Practices today.
All of the tests results that the old PCP had to report to Penn are complete and reported. I made sure of the before I switched.
I do not trust my care to the old practice. They were non supportive, and not in the least bit helpful in guiding me through this process. In fact, one young woman who relayed the MRI results to me by phone simply stated, You need to contact a Neuro Surgeon. When I asked for a referral name , she said .....Use Google!.
All of the process of selecting a surgeon and all of the phone calls concerning an appointment and getting copies if my test results fell onto my hands.
Today the final tests results where sent to Penn and I could wash my hands of the incompetent practice!
The new Internist will see me for a full " get to know you and about you visit" the Monday before surgery. She will then be my local go to person. She came with great recommendations and I feel very good about her already.
My BP has been staying in a pretty good place. Usually about 120/76. I know that the surgeon would like to see it even a bit lower, but with all I am dealing with, I think that is a pretty stellar number.
The nerve impulses and weird symptoms are increasing a bit. I think that is probably because I have more time spent quietly therefore notice it more.
I guess what is most bothersome to me is the possibility of not being the same person after surgery. I rally have a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Now if there are changes and they are positive....such as , I could be happier,less tense, more implusive, laughed more , enjoyed more silly things......and I was not as serious minded as I have been for my first 58 years....we'll I would really be OK with changes like that!
If I wake up, look at my IPad and say " What is that?" ......well that would be a bad thing.
Tony has a fear that I may not remember who he is. I suggested he start the video series of who he is right away just like in the movie , First 50 Dates....because I can't make him any promises!
Recovering in 2-3 months is OK with me. But if I am in the 1-2 year group.....well that does not fit into my timeline.
Oh well...? I choose Hope. I choose spending the next 30 years enjoying more and working less. I choose laughing everyday. I choose learning to live in a house that may not be immaculately clean every day. I will give up my obsessive need to control........Hell I already have.
With my focus now on my inner world I find that
My intuitions are become stronger each day. As are my daughter Stephanie's, and now my Grandsons. Cursed and blessed we all are.
I read an online article today. It explained how in certain x-rays of the chest taken immediately after an EKG test, there may be trace amounts of glue containing Metals that adhere to the skin and cast the appearance of a poorly defined density nodule on the x ray itself. I had an EKG and immediately had a chest X-ray within minutes of having very sticky
Leads removed. So my question now it, could the poorly visible lung abnormality, only
present of the frontal view,Be a result of some left over glue from the EKG lead?
I switched Primary Care Practices today.
All of the tests results that the old PCP had to report to Penn are complete and reported. I made sure of the before I switched.
I do not trust my care to the old practice. They were non supportive, and not in the least bit helpful in guiding me through this process. In fact, one young woman who relayed the MRI results to me by phone simply stated, You need to contact a Neuro Surgeon. When I asked for a referral name , she said .....Use Google!.
All of the process of selecting a surgeon and all of the phone calls concerning an appointment and getting copies if my test results fell onto my hands.
Today the final tests results where sent to Penn and I could wash my hands of the incompetent practice!
The new Internist will see me for a full " get to know you and about you visit" the Monday before surgery. She will then be my local go to person. She came with great recommendations and I feel very good about her already.
My BP has been staying in a pretty good place. Usually about 120/76. I know that the surgeon would like to see it even a bit lower, but with all I am dealing with, I think that is a pretty stellar number.
The nerve impulses and weird symptoms are increasing a bit. I think that is probably because I have more time spent quietly therefore notice it more.
I guess what is most bothersome to me is the possibility of not being the same person after surgery. I rally have a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Now if there are changes and they are positive....such as , I could be happier,less tense, more implusive, laughed more , enjoyed more silly things......and I was not as serious minded as I have been for my first 58 years....we'll I would really be OK with changes like that!
If I wake up, look at my IPad and say " What is that?" ......well that would be a bad thing.
Tony has a fear that I may not remember who he is. I suggested he start the video series of who he is right away just like in the movie , First 50 Dates....because I can't make him any promises!
Recovering in 2-3 months is OK with me. But if I am in the 1-2 year group.....well that does not fit into my timeline.
Oh well...? I choose Hope. I choose spending the next 30 years enjoying more and working less. I choose laughing everyday. I choose learning to live in a house that may not be immaculately clean every day. I will give up my obsessive need to control........Hell I already have.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Premonitions......
Tony and I spent most of yesterday sharing our fears and feelings. Sometimes very comforting, sometimes hard to do, but nevertheless a great step forward in mental preparation.
I am not the only victim of this aneurysm. My family and close friends are too.
Tony asked me how he could Not Possibly worry......my answer to him is to truly believe that worry will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome. We can worry every minute........the outcome is still gonna be the outcome......or we can not focus on the worry......and the outcome is still gonna be the outcome. Not bad philosophy for someone with a bubble in their frontal lobe ! Shows that I can still rationalize which I am sure is a great sign!
If that fails, I offered to share my Ativan with him. He declined!
Anyhow, a very interesting moment did come out of this discussion.
He reminded me that about three months ago I had started to express to him that I was afraid to stay alone while he traveled. All of a sudden those Premonitions came back to my memory.
I started to have them in February 2011. I would see myself alone at night collapsing and lying on the floor. I had a feeling that no one would be there to find me. I even saw my dogs crying for help. At that time I expressed this to Tony. He couldn't understand my new fear and neither could I. We joked about ordering a Life Alert button. But I said to him that this premonition did not give me time to even push a button.
As we talked about this , I am so reminded of a Greater Power and the Energy of this Uni(one) Verse (song) providing me with everything that I need at the proper time to manifest the perfect outcome.......whatever outcome that may be.
Let go of the shore......explore and experience the mystery
With My Love
Deb
I am not the only victim of this aneurysm. My family and close friends are too.
Tony asked me how he could Not Possibly worry......my answer to him is to truly believe that worry will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome. We can worry every minute........the outcome is still gonna be the outcome......or we can not focus on the worry......and the outcome is still gonna be the outcome. Not bad philosophy for someone with a bubble in their frontal lobe ! Shows that I can still rationalize which I am sure is a great sign!
If that fails, I offered to share my Ativan with him. He declined!
Anyhow, a very interesting moment did come out of this discussion.
He reminded me that about three months ago I had started to express to him that I was afraid to stay alone while he traveled. All of a sudden those Premonitions came back to my memory.
I started to have them in February 2011. I would see myself alone at night collapsing and lying on the floor. I had a feeling that no one would be there to find me. I even saw my dogs crying for help. At that time I expressed this to Tony. He couldn't understand my new fear and neither could I. We joked about ordering a Life Alert button. But I said to him that this premonition did not give me time to even push a button.
As we talked about this , I am so reminded of a Greater Power and the Energy of this Uni(one) Verse (song) providing me with everything that I need at the proper time to manifest the perfect outcome.......whatever outcome that may be.
Let go of the shore......explore and experience the mystery
With My Love
Deb
Friday, April 8, 2011
Cardiologist gives the green light
So....after 18 hours of stressing over the EKG that indicated a possible old heart attack, my cardiologist has reviewed everything and determined that the EKG was picking up my Epstein's Anomaly and not a heart attack. So she is Has cleared me for surgery.
The second set of xrays still indicate a nodule ( of unclear visibility ) on my right lung. Drs. Seem to feel that it can wait...... further testing later.......It doesn't pose a problem right this minute.
So tests are over for this week. Thank God! Seems as if all tests had something to stress me out. The over 50 saga is what they call it. If you live a half of a century and you have to have things looked at too closely, they will always manage to find something.
So.....Ativan and I are hanging in there.
Tony has been with me constantly. He needs to take some Ativan too. He is very stressed.
Joined a support group online.
The Brain Aneurysm Foundation Support Community
It has been great. I asked a few questions and got immediate replies. A whole community of people having gone through the process or starting the process like me.
So here I am.........
First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.
- Epictetus
Love to All
The second set of xrays still indicate a nodule ( of unclear visibility ) on my right lung. Drs. Seem to feel that it can wait...... further testing later.......It doesn't pose a problem right this minute.
So tests are over for this week. Thank God! Seems as if all tests had something to stress me out. The over 50 saga is what they call it. If you live a half of a century and you have to have things looked at too closely, they will always manage to find something.
So.....Ativan and I are hanging in there.
Tony has been with me constantly. He needs to take some Ativan too. He is very stressed.
Joined a support group online.
The Brain Aneurysm Foundation Support Community
It has been great. I asked a few questions and got immediate replies. A whole community of people having gone through the process or starting the process like me.
So here I am.........
First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.
- Epictetus
Love to All
Thursday, April 7, 2011
It Just Keeps Getting Better!
O.K. Pre Surgery tests. I am a pin cushion. My chest xray picked up a shadow on my right lung that may be a nodule so they had to be done over. Two trips for xrays today. The second report not back yet.
EKG showed a previous heart attack. Not believing that. I am asking for a re do at my cardiologist instead of with the Primary Care Group. Their equipment is so old and the tech not specialized. I had a great EKG in December 2010. If I had a heart attack since then I slept through it.
That the problem with all these tests after 50. There are things to find that I may not want to know about. Ignorance is Bliss is some instances.
I an on anti anxiety meds....I love them..... They are allowing me to stop crying and start on a retraining of Positive thought.
I will not give in to this....but I also will not buy any new Spring clothes until I survive this. By then it will be Summer anyway.
So what is my Plan.......still unsure. I am still at the mercy of natural emotional reaction. I have never allowed myself to stay in the state long but for some reason (Call it intuition) I feel as if I need my emotions to lead me out of this instead of me taking charge and demanding control like I normally would.
You are born alone, and you die alone but the big span in the middle is meant to be shared with others. I am still in that big span in the middle. My Journey....This time around. <3
EKG showed a previous heart attack. Not believing that. I am asking for a re do at my cardiologist instead of with the Primary Care Group. Their equipment is so old and the tech not specialized. I had a great EKG in December 2010. If I had a heart attack since then I slept through it.
That the problem with all these tests after 50. There are things to find that I may not want to know about. Ignorance is Bliss is some instances.
I an on anti anxiety meds....I love them..... They are allowing me to stop crying and start on a retraining of Positive thought.
I will not give in to this....but I also will not buy any new Spring clothes until I survive this. By then it will be Summer anyway.
So what is my Plan.......still unsure. I am still at the mercy of natural emotional reaction. I have never allowed myself to stay in the state long but for some reason (Call it intuition) I feel as if I need my emotions to lead me out of this instead of me taking charge and demanding control like I normally would.
You are born alone, and you die alone but the big span in the middle is meant to be shared with others. I am still in that big span in the middle. My Journey....This time around. <3
A Bumb in the Road
Yes, I admit.....I have been feeling over-stressed, over worked and some days generally unwell....But the MRA/MRI report told a story that I wouldn't have ever guessed in my wildest imagination.
I have a Frontal Lobe brain aneurysm on my carotid artery, behind my left eye about the size of a very large grape. 12mm x18mm. In the world of brain aneurysms that is considered LARGE!
Now the reason for the MRI in the first place was to put my mind at ease and rule out things like MS and tumors since my symptoms were so scattered and weird. But knock me over with a feather......I instead have an aneurysm. Up until this happened I didn't even know how to spell the word aneurysm without spell check. Now it is engrained into my vocabulary as a word that I can spell.
So according to my very handsome and friendly Neuro Surgeon, Dr. Peter Le Roux of Penn Medicine, my statistics for survival of the next 10 years are much better with surgery than without.
This is most likely a congenital defect that I have had since birth. It has been growing for a long time and needed to reach a certain size before it produced symptoms alarming enough for me to request testing.
In fact, Dr. Le Roux seems to feel that having discovered this before it ruptured is in fact a blessing. Statistically only 50% of people with ruptures survive and of those who do, recovery is a very long road with usually some impairments.
So my job..... Stay calm ( with the help of meds! )keep my blood pressure down, and make to the surgery date with an unruptured aneurysm. If I can do that , then he can do the rest. Sounds simple enough?
Well I have not mastered my part of that bargain yet. I am not calm.....I am not in control of my Blood Pressure, and I am Fucking Terrified!
But I will spend the next 20 days doing my best to give him a stable patient.
i have always been a little psychic. Just psychic enough to see the big picture at times when other could not, and just psychic enough to have a vision of a plane crash before it happens. Or in the case of last month, seeing a vision of airplanes with tears in their cabins. But I have never been psychic enough to have enough info to use what I see or enough info for this gift/curse to be of any value.
For the most part, thee visions have only managed to cause pain and despair for me. So hopefully this syrgery will either take away this ability altogether or allow me to see all I need to be purposeful.
Tony's request is that the surgeon stimulate the lobe that increases my sex drive! LOL! The surgeon said he could do that but it would cost extra!
Anyhow, I can only de-stress in one way know.....Blogging. My gym membership has been suspended for 90 days ( That is an optimistic timeline) and screaming and crying with wall punching will put me in harms way. So Blogging it is!
I have a Frontal Lobe brain aneurysm on my carotid artery, behind my left eye about the size of a very large grape. 12mm x18mm. In the world of brain aneurysms that is considered LARGE!
Now the reason for the MRI in the first place was to put my mind at ease and rule out things like MS and tumors since my symptoms were so scattered and weird. But knock me over with a feather......I instead have an aneurysm. Up until this happened I didn't even know how to spell the word aneurysm without spell check. Now it is engrained into my vocabulary as a word that I can spell.
So according to my very handsome and friendly Neuro Surgeon, Dr. Peter Le Roux of Penn Medicine, my statistics for survival of the next 10 years are much better with surgery than without.
This is most likely a congenital defect that I have had since birth. It has been growing for a long time and needed to reach a certain size before it produced symptoms alarming enough for me to request testing.
In fact, Dr. Le Roux seems to feel that having discovered this before it ruptured is in fact a blessing. Statistically only 50% of people with ruptures survive and of those who do, recovery is a very long road with usually some impairments.
So my job..... Stay calm ( with the help of meds! )keep my blood pressure down, and make to the surgery date with an unruptured aneurysm. If I can do that , then he can do the rest. Sounds simple enough?
Well I have not mastered my part of that bargain yet. I am not calm.....I am not in control of my Blood Pressure, and I am Fucking Terrified!
But I will spend the next 20 days doing my best to give him a stable patient.
i have always been a little psychic. Just psychic enough to see the big picture at times when other could not, and just psychic enough to have a vision of a plane crash before it happens. Or in the case of last month, seeing a vision of airplanes with tears in their cabins. But I have never been psychic enough to have enough info to use what I see or enough info for this gift/curse to be of any value.
For the most part, thee visions have only managed to cause pain and despair for me. So hopefully this syrgery will either take away this ability altogether or allow me to see all I need to be purposeful.
Tony's request is that the surgeon stimulate the lobe that increases my sex drive! LOL! The surgeon said he could do that but it would cost extra!
Anyhow, I can only de-stress in one way know.....Blogging. My gym membership has been suspended for 90 days ( That is an optimistic timeline) and screaming and crying with wall punching will put me in harms way. So Blogging it is!
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